These have been around for a while but I thought they were worth diggin out again.
‘Tis the season, after all!
~M~
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about
I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let
me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with
those?
Santa
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Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your
ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
>
> Subject: FW: Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
>
>
>
>
>
> 1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
>
>
>
> 2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are
>
>
>
> 3. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
>
>
>
> 4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
>
>
>
> 5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..
>
>
>
> 6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
>
>
>
> 7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire
>
>
>
> 8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m
Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
>
>
>
> 9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
Froggy – can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
>
>
>
> 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells
>
>
